I posted this a while back on my personal facebook. I was debating wether or not to publish it here, but I think this could help someone going through grief. I wrote this short of 3 months before my grandfather/ father passed away. As I read my news feed, the inboxes and emails with prayer requests I know it’s time to make this public. May it bring clarity and comfort to you as it has to me and the individuals who have already read this months ago.

 


 

In 2011-2012 was the year that grief was all too real in my life. I had lost 30 people I loved dearly. Car accidents, illness, suicide, war, other kinds of tragedy.  Even my doctor had died! It was like something you would see in a movie. It felt like a bad nightmare, yet I was awake and it was real life. During those times I heard a lot of well intended remarks that were just more brutal than the deaths themselves. Now understand that I’m not advocating that we allow others to engage in destructive behaviors. What I’m saying is we need to chose our word carefully. We need to make sure we’re helping the person hurting, not causing more pain and leading them into isolation.

 

Here are the 7 top things we say that actually hurt more

 

At Least you had time to prepare:

Even when it’s known ahead of time that death is the fate, it is still hard. It still hurts. There’s no preparing for death. Sometimes (IMOO) it feels like this comment is a cop-out to not do our part. To jump on the bandwagon of saying “that person had XYZ amount of time to prepare for this, they shouldn’t be going through XYZ now. They had time”. Our job is not to rationalize what happens in someone’s life. Our job is to be there in their times of trouble. We are to honor each other, pray and be ready to help. See Romans 12:10-16

 

It was their time:

It sounds spiritual, but in reality, it is minimizing and diminishing the pain the survivors are going through. At that moment timing is the last thing on that person’s mind. Specially if the death brings financial hardship. Are we really saying “God’s perfect timing” is to cause someone else hardship? Death was not God’s plan. It was Satan’s. He tempted Adam and Eve to sin, it was because of Satan and sin that we have death. It became an integral part of this human experience we call LIFE. God had nothing to do with this. Satan was the one who came to kill, steal and destroy. See John 10:10-29

 

God wanted them more than you did:

Another thing we say just to take the sting. Like anyone really wants the person they love to die! This statement is putting a certain level of weight on the survivors shoulder. The weight of “maybe I didn’t love them enough. It’s my fault they died”. No person has that kind of power. Who can handle such responsibility? We should really delete this from our vocabulary. There’s no biblical proof that God allows people to die because He needs them. The bible is clear those who die in Christ, sleep till his return. See 1 Thessalonians 4:14

 

Too bad He/she wasn’t stronger or had more faith:

Speaking in a derogatory way about the person who just died doesn’t help the survivor. In fact, insensitive comments like these make grieving worst. It also puts one’s already shaken faith on an even rockier ground. It’s planting seeds of doubt towards God’s love and mercy towards our loved one and our family. There’s so many things we will never understand about death, illness, suicide etc. Many things God will never tell us, simply because it’s not for us to know. God’s love is everlasting even in the most catastrophic and painful of situations. See 1 Corinthians 12:22-27

 

They’re in a much better place now:

Yes they are, we can’t argue that. Yet when you have dreams, goals, and the person who dies made your world amazing, when that person was a blessing and brings joy to your life, it’s a void. You truly feel like a part of you is gone. Yes we do heal, we do learn to move forward, but that is a process. It takes months even years for a survivor to get to that place where our world becomes functional again. Those left behind are going to need help picking up the pieces and rebuilding again. This also falls into 1 Corinthians 12:22-27

 

God never gives us more than we can handle:

Another one that needs to be deleted from our vocabulary. Never once have i read this in the word. Jesus himself struggled with accepting His fate. He had to pray and ask the Father for the strength to do right in the circumstances. In our own strength there’s no way we can handle life. It’s too much to bare. Thats why the bible says to run to God with all we have in times of trouble. He becomes strong in us when we are weak. See 2 Corinthians 12:9-11

 

It’s been a while now get over it:

No one ever gets over it. We simply just learn to cope with it better. That coping takes time and a lot of support. Loss of a loved one often opens other wounds that have not been dealt with. So as a person is grieving the loss, they’re also dealing with issues from the past. It’s not a bandaid kind of thing. Grief often puts people into spiritual surgery. Yes, once the surgery is over and recovery is complete, we are stronger and able to be “inspirational” to others. But during that healing season, there is wounds getting cleaned out, healing, things getting cut out of our lives. It hurts, it’s overwhelming at times. This is why some often just numb themselves out and don’t allow themselves to grieve. The healing process is sometimes more painful than the loss itself. The bible never said not to grieve. It simply instructed that when we do grieve, that we do so filled with hope because it is not the end. See 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18